Who here likes to be left on read? Anyone? Nope, didn't think so. Unanswered messages—whether it's a text convo with your crush, a group chat that none of your friends responds to, or a hopeful conversation starter on Tinder—are just one more way living in this digital age can make you feel all-caps crappy.
But unlike those first two examples, when it comes to dating app conversation starters, there's some artistry involved in crafting the optimal opener.
Of course, first impressions are critical in any context, but especially when there's a potential relationship on the line, says Jess Carbino, PhD, a former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble. That's because humans have a natural desire to "thin slice"—as in, digest small amounts of information (like, what's in your bio) to determine bigger decisions (read: whether this person is worth a date...or more).
“Realistically, people are most judgmental about first impressions,” says Cat Hoggard Wagley, LMHCA, a relationship therapist based in Indiana. “Maybe they’ve been burned or ghosted, but whatever their reason, you do have a limited amount of time to catch their interest.”
Meet the Experts:
Jess Carbino, PhD, is a sociologist who has worked for Tinder and Bumble.
Cat Hoggard Wagley, LMHCA, is a relationship therapist based in Indiana.
Needless to say, your first few messages matter. Get your typing fingers ready because here are the best ways to start (and continue) a convo on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Farmers Only, you name it.
1. Keep your Tinder opening message short, sweet, and to the point.
“Be concise and intentional,” Hoggard Wagley recommends. “One to three sentences is enough. Remember the longer conversation happens on dates—this is your chance to say hello and establish interest.”
Hoggard Wagley suggests asking open-ended questions about a photo or listed interest on their profile—something that will get the conversation flowing and build that bud of a connection before the first date.
“If you see a vacation photo or a picture with friends, ask about the best part of that trip or ask them to describe their group of friends,” she says, adding that you should “never ask questions that can be answered in less than one sentence.”
“Hey, what’s up” is not the most enticing prompt. Instead, give them an easy reason to respond by saying something like:
- “OMG, I need to hear about your trip to…”
- “I’m also obsessed with Omakase! What’s your fave spot in town?”
- “What bar is that in your first pic? It looks so fun.”
2. Establish yourself as a unique individual, and keep it positive.
You already know your match has the hots for you. It’s the reason they swiped right: an initial physical attraction. That box is checked! Now, you’ve got to suss out whether it’s something deeper. Do you actually like this person beyond their biceps?
“The first message is about establishing that you have shared interests and setting yourself up as a unique individual,” says Hoggard Wagley.
And, hey, I love to vent as much as the next person, but your dating app is not the place for it. Save that for a boozy Saturday brunch with your pals, or your next therapy session. “There are a lot of people on dating apps who in the convo or in their bio have something negative to say,” Hoggard Wagley says. “No one wants to approach a person with cynicism or a smug attitude.”
Keep it light and friendly, and use it as an opportunity to start forming a connection:
- “Tell me you’re *not* a cat person…”
- “You’re also binge-watching [insert show here]? We need to debrief last night’s episode.”
- “Wow, you went to the U.S. Open? Are you into tennis?”
3. Ask about where they’re from.
“When engaging with someone for the first time, it’s important to signal you're interested in them," Carbino says. (As in, actually interested, not just trying to fill a void of having someone to text.) This means learning more about where they're from and what makes them...well, them.
"The safest question to ask is, 'Where are you from originally?' because everyone is from somewhere,” Carbino says. Other location-based conversation starters include:
- "How long have you lived in...?"
- "What's your hands-down favorite restaurant here?"
- "Wow, a true Texas native. Are you a football fanatic?"
- "Ever been to the Grand Canyon? It's on my bucket list!"
- "I noticed you have pics in Rome. I went there last spring. What was your favorite part of the city?"
4. Take advantage of in-app features for a good conversation starter.
Many people forget that the app has its own features that make it easier for people to connect. Carbino recommends checking out a match's embedded Spotify playlist or latest Instagram post. And no, it's not creepy to do! "People spend a lot of time thinking, What do I say about myself? and they're putting it out there publicly," Carbino says. So don't be silly—use it.
- "I saw your Spotify playlist. I'm a big Phoebe Bridgers fan, too. Ever seen her live?"
- "Saw you just went to a Yankees game on IG! Do you have a favorite player?"
5. Ask about their hobbies and interests.
This is a pretty simple one, but it's the Tinder conversation gold. Most people will post photos of themselves doing something they love or write about their interests in the main bio. “People want someone who signals investment to them,” Carbino says. And both experts agree that being interested in someone's hobbies is a great way to do that (especially if you're lucky enough to have a few in common).
Pro tip: Go for open-ended questions that invite more than a yes-or-no answer, or ones that make someone want to talk about themselves (which, btw, unless they're not interested in you at all, they do). A few good ones:
- "So, you're a skier? I just got back from Breckenridge. Where's your next trip?"
- "I see you're a D.C. sports fan...how crazy was the city after the World Series win?"
- "You ran the Chicago Marathon?! How hard was that?!"
- "So you're Food Network-obsessed, too. How 'bout a cook-off?"
- "A drummer! Is that a side gig or just a cool hobby?"
- "I see you went backpacking in Peru last summer? How was it?"
6. When in doubt, stick to the basics.
If someone has a dreadfully bare profile, you're feeling particularly nervous, or you're just drawing up a blank on the right conversation starter, relax. Take the pressure off yourself and go with an easy Q that can actually tell you quite a bit about a person, based on their cultural interests.
- "What’s your favorite film genre and film?"
- “What's the last book you read?"
- "Where is the last place you traveled to?"
7. Cut to the chase and bring up a date.
If you’re *actually* interested in going out and exploring the potential for a real relationship, you need to take the convo off the app sooner—and IRL, I might add. Once you’ve swapped a few lighter messages, throw in a flirty invitation to go on a date.
“I like the question, ‘Where can I take you/where will you take me on our first date?’ because that’s the point of the app and you’re already both attracted to each other. It weeds out people who aren’t actually interested in meeting up and are using the app passively,” Hoggard Wagley says. “Establish intent for a date within three text exchanges.”
Keep it fun and flirty with one of these ideas:
- “What’s your favorite mezcal bar? We should go!”
- “I’ve been dying to try that new Italian place in the West Village. Should we continue this convo over wine and carbs?”
- “Down for a happy hour? I need to check out that brewery you were talking about.”
And if they don't answer? It's probably not about you.
If the conversation doesn’t progress (despite this grade-A advice), it’s probably not you. Now say that again—out loud, and in a mirror. To Hoggard Wagley’s point, the other person might have gone into the interaction with zero intention of actually meeting up. Maybe it was merely a play for validation.
“Ghosting is most often a sign the other person was never intending to meet up; they were just casually swiping,” she says. “I let my clients know to establish an intent to meet up in the first three exchanges so they can find out who is really there to meet someone—and who was just bored at two a.m.”
Look, no one likes to be ignored or ghosted or rejected (unless it’s some kind of kink…in which case, go for it?). Here’s the worst case scenario: You’ve just wasted your time on a few meaningless Tinder messages and not an actual date—or heaven forbid, a full-blown relationship. It also probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with this person just not being your match. Onward!
Alexis Jones is an assistant editor at Women's Health where she writes across several verticals on WomensHealthmag.com, including life, health, sex and love, relationships and fitness, while also contributing to the print magazine. She has a master’s degree in journalism from Syracuse University, lives in Brooklyn, and proudly detests avocados.
Megan Schaltegger is an NYC-based writer. She loves strong coffee, eating her way through the Manhattan food scene, and her dog, Murray. She promises not to talk about herself in third person IRL.
