You know how people blame Disney movies for giving people unrealistic expectations about love? Well, I blame porn for giving me unrealistic expectations about sex. If porn were any indication of people's everyday sex lives, we'd all be firing off liquid streams of erotic bliss at every climax. Sorry, but no.
That said, the elusive sex sensation that is squirting isn't entirely impossible. Apparently, for some women, it does come naturally. But for others, it may be possible to learn. Meaning, yes, you could make yourself squirt during sex.
First, a little refresher on what squirting actually is: While there's still a lot of debate, Madeleine Castellanos, MD, notes that "squirting appears to be fluid that’s retained in the bladder that’s released either when a woman has an orgasm or other times." This is thought to involve the Skene’s glands—two structures located near the end of the urethra that can produce fluid with G-spot stimulation.
As for what this actually looks like…it’s probably not what you think. "'Squirting' is a bit of a misnomer, as the fluid isn’t always expelled as a squirt," says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast. "It might be a drip, dribble, or gush." Some people "can feel the liquid being pushed out, but in many cases, you don’t even notice it until you get up and see the wet spot beneath you," O’Reilly adds. The actual fluid that comes out can be "milky or clear" and it can feel and look like you peed yourself, says sex therapist Debra Laino, DHS. The actual volume can vary, too. "Some women will have more fluid; others less depending on their body, as well as depending on the experience," Laino says.
Meet the experts:
Madeleine Castellanos, MD is a psychiatrist and sex therapist based in New York.
Jess O'Reilly, PhD is the host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast.
Debra Laino, DHS is a sex therapist and the author of The Missing Link.
Taylor Sparks is an erotic educator and founder of sex shop Organic Loven.
Antonia Hall, MA is the author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life.
Vanessa Marin, LMFT is a sex therapist and creator of Finishing School.
But why the hype? Castellanos notes that it can feel pretty effing fantastic. In fact, one study showed nearly 80 percent of women who've experienced squirting it improved their sex lives. "The urethra has all these nerve endings in it, as anybody who’s ever had a UTI can attest," she explains. "It’s very sensitive. So when you get this rush of fluid going through, at the same time you’re having an orgasm or you’re getting sexual stimulation…that can be a very pleasurable experience."
That said, "a lot of people think this is the pinnacle of orgasm...and if you haven’t done it, your orgasms are less-than—I don’t agree with that," Castellanos says. "For some people, squirting adds to the orgasm, and for other people, it does nothing or it detracts from it. It’s not the same for everybody." No shame either way.
Of course, you'll never know until you try. So, if you’re still curious about making yourself squirt, here's an expert-informed step-by-step guide to attempting your first time.
1. Get your bed ready...just in case.
If you do succeed in squirting, things may get a tad messy. So, Castellanos recommends taking precautions if you're worried about oversaturating your sheets.
Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of sex shop Organic Loven, suggests the Liberator Fascinator Throw, which is made to soak up liquids and is softer than most towels.
2. Make sure you’re well hydrated.
To be fair, this hasn’t been researched or anything, but experts say it could help in theory. "Some people say that hydration facilitates sexual response including orgasm and squirting, but this is anecdotal," O’Reilly says. "Overall, staying hydrated is good for your health, which can support sexual functioning." There’s also this to consider, per Laino: "Dehydration can lead to more difficulty having an orgasm in general and can even make sex painful as well as having low energy for sex."
3. Give yourself plenty of time to get turned on.
Have patience with yourself and your body. "It can take some time to get a feel for it," says Antonia Hall, the author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life.
You'll also want to reduce as many other stressful thoughts as possible. "Remember that, for most women, sex starts in the brain," says Sparks. "Start the mental seduction earlier in the day." That means everything from dirty talk to cleaning the bedroom so there's nothing there that stresses you out.
4. Start by focusing on the clit.
"Focus first on stimulating your clitoris, as it'll help bring blood into the area and get your G-spot area ready for play," says Hall.
O’Reilly suggests using a rabbit vibe like the We-Vibe Nova, which "provides dual vibrating stimulation for the G-zone internally and the clitoral head and hood externally." She adds that it’s "adjustable, powerful, rumbly, and you can use it to rock in a pulsing motion."
The Womanizer Duo can also be a handy toy, "as the outer arm stimulates the head of the clitoris with pleasure-air technology that uses tiny bursts of air to create a suction-like sensation over the clitoral head," O’Reilly says.
5. Then, place a lot of pressure on the G-spot.
When you're turned on, insert your middle and ring finger a couple of inches inside the vagina and rub your G-spot, which feels like a small ridged area along the front of your vaginal wall, Hall says.
FYI: You'll need to do it for an extended period of time (it's a marathon, not a sprint!). "What [you’re] pushing on is actually erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra," Dr. Castellanos explains. "As you’re stroking that...you’re changing the angle of the urethra to the bladder, and it’s much easier for that fluid to be expelled." To improve your odds of squirting, relax the pelvic floor muscles as you stimulate the G-spot.
6. Get some help from a toy.
G-spot stimulation is key here. "The G-spot is about two inches in and one inch up, inside of the vagina," Sparks says. "So, you are seeking a toy with some length and a slight upwards curve." She likes the Le Wand Bow: "This stainless steel wand is perfectly curved with ridges and a round bulb on one end and smooth and a more pointed bulb on the other end." You can even add in temperature play by letting it sit in warm or cold water for a few minutes prior to use.
Take a look for some tips about buying sex toys:
7. Don't stress about peeing.
A lot of women feel like they’re going to pee when they’re close to reaching an O. But that gotta-go feeling is often sparked by that fluid coming from the Skene's glands behind the G-spot (a.k.a. squirting), explains Hall.
And even if pee does come out, don't stress, says Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and the creator of Finishing School. "Sex is messy and there’s a lot of fluids involved already, so even if it was urine, who cares?" (But if it'll make you feel better, you can use the restroom before you get started.)
8. Control your pelvic floor muscles.
Sparks says it helps to have control of your pelvic muscles. "As the sensation [or] pressure starts to build, it will feel like you have to pee—that’s the time to use your pelvic floor muscles," she says. "Don't tighten them, but push out...as if you are pushing out the pee. It takes practice, but it’s doable."
9. Try to relax in the moment.
Doing your best to be easy-breezy lemon-squeezy when you feel an orgasm building will go a long way toward helping you reach your goal. "Some people report that when they tense up, it hinders both orgasmic sensation and squirting," O’Reilly says.
"Many say that bearing down allows their muscles to relax so that they can enjoy the full squirter experience," Laino agrees. "This goes with orgasm in general—letting your body relax, but at the same time having some tension and flexing the [pelvic floor] muscles will aid well in having all types of orgasms."
10. Don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't pan out.
Above all, Castellanos says, "Be compassionate with yourself if you don’t make yourself squirt."
If you don't succeed the first time—or even after multiple attempts—it just means your body’s natural impulse is to keep anything from coming out of the urethra while you get busy. Just relax, enjoy the feelings, and if it happens, it happens.